Quantum Toilet

QUANTUM TOILET

I rushed to the toilet, hoping to have my pants down before the explosion. My predicament was happening more frequently at work these days. Watching my diet didn’t seem to help. One week later, my supervisor called me into her office to inform me my services were no longer needed. Some corporate-speak about needing to downsize and my position was being vacated, yada, yada. I worked for Acne Quantum Research for the past eight years with a sterling record and they were firing me? For what?

I cleared out my desk and headed for the door.

“Hey Tony, what’s going on?” asked my friend Lewis.

“Corporate gave me the pink slip today, so I’m headed home to file for unemployment.”

“Really, but you’re one of the best employees we have. You earned the award for excellence last quarter.”

“Tell that to corporate,” I said.

“Sorry man, there must be some mistake. Are we still on for our lunchtime racquetball game tomorrow?”

“Sure, I’ll check my schedule and try to squeeze you in.”

“OK, see you there.”

When I got home, I went online and filed my unemployment claim, then went to the fridge for a beer while I worked on updating my resume.

“Hi Honey,” my wife said. She placed a bag of groceries on the kitchen counter, then kissed me. “Why are you home so early?”

“I was canned today.”

“Why, you’re a model employee.”

“They didn’t give me a specific reason other than they were downsizing. I’ve noticed other excellent employees being laid off the last couple of weeks, so I’m not alone.”

“What are we going to do about health insurance?”

“I’ll get another job, don’t worry.”

The next day at the gym I beat Lewis three zip. “Man, you must be taking out your pent-up frustration on me today.”

“No, you’re just unlucky, that’s all.”

“Listen, I did some investigating yesterday and I think I know why you were fired.”

“OK, why?”

“You know those new toilets they installed when the old ones worked just fine?”

“Sure, what about them?”

“Turns out they have sensors in them and they are linked to our new quantum computer.”

“So what?”

“I asked my girlfriend Jenny in the HR Department to see if she could find out why you were fired. She looked up your file and there was a lock on it. When I asked her if she could unlock it she said it would be hard, but she would try. She told me if she got caught doing it she would lose her job. I promised her dinner at her favorite restaurant.”

“You’ve been dating her for a while now, I don’t want her to get fired over me.”

“No worries, she unlocked it after about an hour using her supervisor’s credentials. It turns out you were terminated because the new quantum toilets reported you had a positive result for early cancer detection. After more searching she discovered Acne Research has terminated many employees for health-related reasons. Our health insurance company incentivizes companies who have fewer employee health issues.”

“A toilet can do that?”

“Yes, the sensors collect samples of DNA, enzymes, proteins, and dead cells for analysis. The quantum computer has the most sophisticated built-in chemistry lab without any chemicals or equipment. Quantum computers can calculate all possibilities simultaneously at the same time. It’s simply mind-boggling.”

“So not only did they fire me because I’m likely to develop cancer but they didn’t tell me about it so I could get help.”

“That’s the scoop. Corporate is misusing their new quantum computer to enhance their profits at the expense of us disposable employees.”

“And we were worried quantum computing would take over our jobs and make us obsolete,” I said.

“Listen, I need you to keep this under wraps until I can get more solid proof this is happening,” said Lewis.

“What are you planning?”

“You’re not the only friend who has lost their job recently. There was Frank, Cindy, Pat and several more. I want you to come with me to see an attorney who specializes in employment and corporate law.”

Two days later we were in Mark Solit’s office along with several recently terminated employees.

“Thank you all for coming, I understand you want to sue your former employer for unlawful termination. Based on the facts Lewis has presented, I think the misuse of the quantum toilets is a solid case, no pun intended. Depending on how your employment contracts are written, your former company may be in violation of several privacy laws that will support the case for wrongful termination. They are also liable for negligence for knowingly withholding vital health information that will cause harm if prompt medical attention is not received. This cause of action carries a high potential for punitive damages in the millions. However, we have a lot of hard work in front of us and it will be costly litigation. On top of that, we need to gather enough proof to make the claims stick.”

I stood up, cleared my throat, and said, “I’m willing to go the distance Counselor, nobody said this was going to be easy.”